


paint me the color of hope

by wwaterdragon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Cronus and Kankri get married here :o, Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, I hope, M/M, Marriage, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Build, Slow To Update, Sollux was in love with Eridan and Eridan was in love with his paintings, ahaha, i guess? idk, isn't that fun?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:14:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9456836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wwaterdragon/pseuds/wwaterdragon
Summary: Sollux Captor was beautiful and disastrous, like a thunderstorm. His eyes were full of lightning, daring and bold. You only saw the electricity that was him, and so you all you got from him was said electricity. Thus, the fall comes, quick and painless, you say, like a strike of lightning.Eridan Ampora was tears, sweat, and sea. Saltwater, you've been told, fixes everything. But you loved said water, and suddenly, you were engulfed in it. You kissed it, and the water forced its way into your lungs. You were drowning. The only way to stop it was to take a step back, and leave.





	1. sitting around, head in his hands

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in forever so take this as an apology. Lmao it's a sad fic too. It'll get better though! I hope. I don't know where I'm going with this. Half of the inspiration came from my project on Edgar Allan Poe and the other half came from the book We Are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson. (There's gay and space in there. Not exactly gays _in_ space though, but it's close enough.)
> 
> I hope you enjoy. I need someone to help me figure out what to do with this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was absolutely perfect, and imperfect at the same time. But because of that, he wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough.

_He took you out on a date to the art museum. It was your first date with him, and probably the most memorable. You think it’s because he knew you inside out, even from the very beginning._

_He stared up at the large canvas, while you paced behind him, wanting to get past this section of the museum, and onto something that interested you more. Like realism, or even impressionism. You open your mouth, a small pout tugging down on your lips. “I don’t get Picasso. I don’t get what he’s trying to convey. Yeah- it’s abstract, but what does it mean?”_

_“I thought ‘abstract’ meant what the viewers saw.” He said, with that sweet smile of his only reserved for you._

_It makes you smile back as you shake your head, like it would help you get the words together. “But it’s gotta mean something to him. I don’t understand what I see. All I see are mixed bodies and shapely caricatures. I want meaning.”_

_It’s his turn to shake his head, smile down at the floor, shuffle his feet with his hands in his pockets. He then takes off his glasses, and stares at you with his brown blue eyes. “No- you want poetry. You want something profound. Honestly- Eridan, why don’t you just become a poet instead of an artist?” The two colors stare into your soul, he knows you inside out for sure._

_You thought that the answer to that question was easy. “Because I already create poetry with what I put onto my canvas.”_

_He chuckles. It’s a fond, sweet sound. “Dorky hipster.”_

_November 23rd, 2015_

That was back when Sollux was in love with you. And you thought you were in love with him. But no, you were in love with your canvas. 

He’s probably with another sweet girl again, because apparently, you were the only guy he found good enough to date. Or even be attracted to. You wonder how he's doing with her. Or him. Knowing you were the only one made you feel good. But now you're worried that you may not be the only one. Because then maybe you'd be forgotten. And you don't want to be forgotten.

He was right about the poetry though. You're better off a poet than a painter, (But only because it was much easier to make. Art takes hours, patience and time. Poetry, it comes to you at any time. It’s an easier way to vent.) but you've been reluctant about showing off your work. You didn't want to.. put it out there.

(If he were still here, he'd be right by your side and holding your hand as you spoke, grounding you from the pairs of watching eyes all staring at you.)

You were just a coward. A coward too afraid to show him how much you really loved him so you ended up never showing that you did love him. So he left you. You wonder if he still cares. If he still remembers. If he bothers to check on you every once in a while.

Because ever since he left, you haven't been recovering. The heartache was too much. It left you in a pit of your own regrets and the sadness pooled up in you and you were stuck in an ocean. And so the only way to survive in the ocean was to become it. You became a body of liquid; paint tears and an alcohol body. Drinking has always been a big problem in your family.

You made nothing but poetry. Nothing but writing all day. You now lived off of your father and his money, which he didn't care of much, only continuously asking why you didn't do anything anymore. He’s worried. You can tell. And you’re worried too. You’re worried that your life won’t be the same. And it already isn’t. 

Not without him.

It sounds so stupid that you’re still hung up on him. But you can’t move on. There’s too many poems about him, him, _him_ , and you can’t get them all out. Your thoughts and your mouth are a never ending well of heartbreak and loneliness and you can’t stop. They won’t stop making more he left me poems, I love him poems, I wish I did better poems. 

A cold hand met yours, giving you a squeeze and pulling you from your deepest thoughts. “You have to try to talk to him again, Eridan. You’re not okay - go tell him everything you wanted to, and maybe you’ll be better.” Her voice is like sweet spring water, bubbly and loving. You sometimes ask yourself how you got such a sister like her, who still loves you despite everything you do and say.

“Better?” You didn’t mean to make it sound so whiny. So resistant to her advice. She’s trying, stop being so unnecessarily mean. But the words fall out of your mouth just like the poetry does. “Feferi, talking to him is so difficult. Even if I did, it’ll be just another reason to make another poem about him, I’ll be just like every heartbroken poet in the past who can’t stop drinking and can’t stop writing.”

Honestly, this isn't the best conversation to have over coffee in public. Maybe curled up on the couch, yeah. But she wanted you to get some “fresh air,” so she made you go out. Being in the city, there’s not much “fresh air” anywhere. You didn’t see the point. The only way you were even out here was because she shoved you off the bed and dragged you into the bathroom.

(There was that small part of you that considered trying to drown yourself, because then you wouldn’t have to deal with her, or him, or the ocean of thoughts in your head.

But if you did that, he wouldn’t be proud of you. And neither would your sister.)

She shook her head, and you’re afraid she’s done with your shit. “Eridan. Please. Get better. Make poems about getting better, make paintings about it, do anything that keeps you from falling into drinking.” She meets your eyes and holds your face, cold hands on your cheeks. And she pulls you in to kiss your forehead. “I love you, Eridan. And I care about you. So much. Don’t do this to yourself.”

You can’t help but sniffle and nod, tears forming at your eyes. “Okay.” Why are you crying now? You feel so weak to start crying just from that. It’s stupid. You feel stupid.

You’ve refrained from looking at his profiles, of course he’s everywhere on the internet. Because he’s always in front of his computer. Always in front of it when you get home, and always beside you when you’re nearby. Granted, he’s always on a game or a phone or making up codes in his head. But he was beside you, physically, a hand in yours and that was all you needed.

Not what he needed, though. You were too selfish to ever think of what he needed.

Feferi clears your head, outshines the thoughts that plague you. “How about we go to the beach when I’m free, yeah? Do you like that?” The ocean was always your friend. It listened to you when you cried over your first relationship. It was there for you when you cried over your second. It was there for you again, when you cried for Sollux. The ocean was like the mother you never had. The ocean was home.

Here on the Earth, there is no other place of weightlessness other than the bodies of water. It was almost like the stars, except it’s guaranteed that life can be found there, even if you go deep enough, down into the abyss.

Perhaps that is why you’ve always loved the ocean. You think that you can find yourself within it.

You have to speak, Feferi won’t take just an absent nod of the head. You pull yourself back from your drifting thoughts, looking at your sister. “Sure.” You nod, forcing a smile onto your lips.

She’s satisfied with that answer, not with the smile. But you knew she’d see through it. “I’ll pick you up, okay?”

You nod then, and the two of you go through the rest of your day.

When you’re back home, you can finally let your own thoughts go. The sigh you let out behind closed doors feels relieving. The weight leaving from your shoulders is like taking off a mask you’ve been wearing far too long. It has you thinking back on the days as a child, back in the horrible days of school. The way you used to hold your shoulders and spine straight, chin up to try to make yourself seem bigger than you were. Even then, your thoughts were always a muddled mess.

You realize that you’re still the child you were.

The day comes around where Feferi finally takes you to the beach. You would have gone yourself, but it would mean more of a hassle to you. So you stayed within your home, opened the windows like she would’ve wanted, and gotten some sunlight on you. You're never calm near the shore. The ocean calls you once you're out of the car. You're running as fast as you can to the water, already barefoot and ready as you dive in. 

The water is cold. But you embrace it, the deep blue coldness that hugs your body and moves you like a weightless feather. It feels lovely to let go, to let gravity lose you for a moment. Gravity is selfish. It demands you to fall, like you did for Sollux, and the ocean helps you forget about that. You forget everything when you're weightless. Nothing feels as good as when you’re weightless. 

In the water, you feel connected. You're part of something greater. Something so mysterious that nobody knows what is in your depths. Not even you. When your body is in the ocean, you are the ocean. You envelop the world like a blanket, secure it and hold life that is yet to be found. You wish you really were the ocean though.

Maybe if you were, then life could be found in your eyes again.


	2. slouching in front of the artificial sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's changed you, to something, someone entirely different. You don't blame him. He's just another face to you. 
> 
> At least that's what you keep trying to tell yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna switch POV's constantly!! Since I can barely write within only the eyes of one character. This chapter is WAY overdue!! But I was trying to figure out how to write it and also trying to keep to Eridan's POV and eventually gave up. The next chapter will probably be with Eridan though, but right now, we're going to Sollux's side of the story. He's taking the breakup just as hard as poor Eridan.
> 
> Things will get better, I promise! I might throw in a person maybe, like someone sets up either of the boys to a blind date, and they realize that the only person they want is the one they broke up with. That's what I'll try to plan though! There still will be slow burn! I have a bit of a plan forming up.

_“he's a storm; terrifying and dark and uncontrollable_  
_but i’d be lying if i said that i didn't want to get lost in him”_  
_sc, october 8th, 2016_  
_e.a._

Somewhere on the other side of everything, a certain Sollux Captor sat. In front of a computer, as always, but for entirely different reasons now. In the past year, things have changed. You broke up with your boyfriend a year ago and for some reason, you can’t stop thinking about him.

Maybe it’s because you still care?

You want to deny that, but it’s true. There were highs and lows in your relationship, caused by the things that neither of you could really fix. You’d blame it all on him if you could, but you were also part of the problem. The problem was the fear of speech, probably. Neither of you wanted to talk, in fear of something changing, something bad happening. And so there was a silence between the both of you and you let it grow.

Perhaps you both should’ve been adults about this.

But it’s been years since a relationship before him. Maybe both of you thought that with someone who understood, then the problems you had on your own would just go away. You were both so very wrong. There were too many things unsaid and the both of you just never said anything as things started falling apart.

A lot kept you apart, and you regret ruining your relationship with him.

After all, he was the only one who understood. (At least to you.) He was wonderful, beautiful, supportive when he wanted to be. You think things could’ve been better.

But now the only memory of him are the drawings you make. He got you into them after so many museum dates. You wanted to show him what you could do with your own tablet. Once he was one, you had a professional artist’s tablet, the one where the stylus could touch the screen and you could draw.

You try not to think about his huge influence on you. You try not to search his name on the internet every time google pops up in front of you. And you don’t. (Eventually, you cave. Eventually.)

You, Sollux Captor, are perfectly fine without knowing what's been going on with your ex. Just like every other _normal_ person on this Earth. Totally. You’re fine knowing that Eridan isn’t in your life anymore. He’s moving on without you well, probably, and you’re moving on just as well without him.

Yeah.

Your life is okay. It really is. You spend your days in your little apartment, making whatever it is that comes to your mind. Like all sorts of drawings and you tell yourself that this isn’t because you got into it from a certain someone. 

You’re just trying to pass the time with a new hobby. It’s just a hobby.

Eridan is now nothing but a ghost, a dream. A really good dream too. One that you wish you could sleep back into. But you can’t, and that’s that.

(If he were here, he’d push you to chase after it anyway. He helped you find your priorities, your drive.

Now he’s gone, and you’re drifting. Not that you’d want to admit it. But now, you’re just the shell of the man that you were. You don’t really talk to anyone anymore, too bored with what they say, and uncaring of whatever they did. Apathetic to everything, is what you were, and you tell yourself you’ll get over it.)

Between Karkat and Aradia, they both made it a mission of theirs to keep you out of the house as much as possible.

Which meant forcing you out at least twice a week.

You’ll admit, sometimes it’s fun. _Sometimes_. Which is why you’re out here, at whatever fast food place they took you, idly eating the fries they bought you. Both of them are nice and all, but really, you’d rather stay at home and multitask between doodling and coding, maybe modeling.

You could be doing so much right now without them taking you out. And right now, you’re scrolling through tumblr, doing fuck all to your feed, earbuds in to keep the other two from bothering you.

You know it won’t work, they’ll continue pestering you until you finally reply, but for now, you pretend like you’re jamming out to some really nice song. Coincidentally, a song does come up. You don’t know who it is, but it’s good enough that you keep listening, despite how depressing it sounds and makes you think too much about your problems.

You try not to listen to the lyrics and only the sound of the guitar, but honestly the lyrics are hitting home and now you’re getting inspired to try to make something with it. Try to vent with it. Gently, you tap your fingers to the beat, and you’re stuck in your own little world.

You lick your lips, pulling out one earbud as you glance over to your friends. “You got a pen?” You ask.

“Uh, I think I do,” Aradia answers with a smile, going through her purse until she pulls out a little ballpoint pen. You thank her as you pull out a napkin from the dispenser off to the side and start to doodle. You try to ignore the memory that whispers in your ear, reminding you of the endearing moments Eridan would ask for a pen from you, and you began carrying one around just for him whenever he became inspired by something he saw.

_I wanna look at you and forget everything  
The good, the bad, the happy, the sad_

You end up drawing Eridan. And then scribble over his face, not because you have anything against him, no, never, you don’t think you could ever be angry at him. You do it for art. 

(Another memory whispers at you. He said that once, long before. “I make it look this way, for art. For a message. For someone to look at it and feel everything that I did when I was making this.”)

Even with the pen marks and scribbles all over his face, you think he’s still beautiful. You snuff that thought out as quickly as you can, push it down so deep that it’s compressed somewhere to the back of your mind.

There’s no need to dwell on him. He’s only a ghost, remember?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's some more excuses hahahaha. But also drama happened within my life, midterms came up, and I just stopped opening Google Docs for a while!! This thing was catching dust until I FINALLY got a break and FINALLY started writing again. These updates will be really sporadic still, though, since I'm still trying to figure out how to write chapter three, and figure out which character goes where in everyone's lives. Thank you for commenting, thank you for reading, I love hearing your cries and praises, they're honestly the same thing to me, but just THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING I LOVE YOU


	3. the :) facade's famous last words: "i'm getting better"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're upset at yourself for always holding that smiling mask. It breaks when a notification shows up on your screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHAHAH... Someone's a musician, someone listened to a song? I wonder what happened... I wonder who wrote it...  
> Also! I first planned for Eridan to talk out with Karkat. But I figured, what if it was Kankri? And I thought that was a little better, though there was a lot for Eridan to be jealous about with both the Vantases. I think I might use arafef and davekat against Sollux :3c  
> And, mm. I wonder which of the erisol pair will end up with someone to be a sort of escape from their past relationship. I really wanna put in someone, just because it opens up potential for one of them to figure out their own emotions about their ex.
> 
> EDIT (8/5/17): I WANT TO TELL EVERYONE WHO HAD BEEN READING THIS THAT I HAVE FOUND A MOTIVATION AGAIN. I have Bipolar disorder-like symptoms (but because i am iffy about self-diagnosing myself, I just wanna leave it at something kinda like it). It's been that way for a few years now? Where I have a month long depression, with an energy spike that lasts for a week. And throughout the summer I kind of... lost a drive? Lost where I wanted to go with this?   
> A friend of mine helped me find it again (: We're actually making a tumblr blog about the AU we're roleplaying too! It's not the same universe as this fic, but it's close. Eridan and Sollux are stupid again and decide to break up but end up getting back together, haha. The blog is still a work in progress, but follow if you'd like!  
> [a2k-human2tuck.tumblr](http://a2k-human2tuck.tumblr.com/)  
> I know now what I'm going to do, adding jealousy and such into the mix of this. EriGam, for sure. Sollux? Who knows what he's gonna do. Anyway, with my ideas and my energy up! Once I sleep, I can start on writing. Maybe within next week there will be a new chapter.   
> By the way! Tuesday's my birthday!

_You were there to witness it. You, in fact, were part of the plan. It was going to be a Valentine’s gift. (Your birthday. Without Sollux, it’s back to being the most dreaded day of the year. But you hold back from your complaining because this is not your day anymore.)_

_You were the little messenger, leading Kankri to the park before letting him follow the rose petals that were a pain to place. They led to Cronus trying to look good and presentable and ‘dressed up.’ (He wouldn’t part with his leather jacket, though, and you were left huffing and pouting and telling him he needed to really work on his tastes in clothing. He laughed as he ruffled your hair.) You disappeared then, going off to join your sisters, who both sat on a bench just far enough to give the couple privacy, but close enough that the video wouldn’t look like shit._

_Feferi was grinning with her beautiful smile, Meenah a little less expressive. But with your closeness to her, you knew she was proud of the two for finding a happy part in their lives._

_Jealousy bit at your ear though, whispered in your ears, 'they should’ve been smiling at me, not them. At me, and Sollux. Not Cronus and Kankri.' You shove it away._

_You are happy for your brother and his boyfriend._

_Well, not boyfriend anymore. Cronus kneeled down and held out a box for Kankri, as tears ended up in both of their eyes, Kankri smiling as wide as he could as the ring was slipped onto his finger. Fiancée. You always thought the word would fit you just as much as it did with Kankri._

_Once Cronus was standing, Kankri lunged forward to hug him._

_Jealousy cackles in your ear._

_February 14th, 2017_

“How are you?” Kankri, your ex-friend’s brother, and your own brother’s fiancée, asked. You both became friends when he started dating your brother. Kankri was far quieter than his brother, but still loud enough to hear. It’s just that, even if he were loud enough, no one really bothered to listen. A mug of tea was in his hands as he gave you a small smile. You returned the gesture.

(When he brings the mug to his lips, you can clearly see the ring on his finger, and you can taste the bitter jealousy on your tongue. Your own mug of tea is ruined, and you let it waste, grow cold, and die. Let it meet the same end that your previous relationship did.)

You pause at his question. How are you, really? A small, thoughtful frown covers your face and you really, truly ponder his question. 

You’re not getting better, you think. 

“I’m getting better,” you say.

Kankri doesn’t reply with a doubt. “That’s good, Eridan.” He sounds so happy about it, you suddenly feel bad for giving him hope about you. “I’m glad that you’re recovering.”

He says the word like you’ve lost a limb or something. (Maybe you have? A small part of you wishes you were born during a time that was not this. A time where you couldn’t be explained by illnesses and reduced to a word. You wished you didn’t have to explain yourself to anyone, do something stupid, something like cutting off a part of your ear, just because you wanted.)

“Your father’s worried, you know,” he says gently. In the back of your mind, you consider your father talking to both your brother, and Kankri, about you. To try to get you to move on. He tries to talk to you as much as he can too, occasionally calling to say something. They’re conversations that have a fog of awkwardness so think that a knife slicing through is clearly visible.

For some reason, it’s a little harder to talk to your dad about it. He’s sweet and all, would cancel a meeting and surely lose a bit of money just for you. But once you left his house, you built your walls and the relationship you used to have with him isn’t there anymore. He loved Sollux too, you know this very well, always quick and easy to embarrass you right in front of him, share laughs and teases about you. 

You really thought it’d last.

“I know,” you say, voice just a little too soft, and your mouth feeling dry. You clear your throat, wishing you could cave and curl to a ball and get Kankri to leave.

But, alas, you can’t just run away from people like they’re your problems.

Kankri must’ve noticed how you don’t want to talk about him, and instead goes to a different topic. He heaves a breath, probably trying to collect himself, or thinking ‘What am I going to do with you, Eridan Ampora?’ You keep yourself from showing a frown. “I heard from Cronus that you started making songs?”

Surprisingly, you say a lot more than you thought you would. But maybe a different topic is what makes conversation easier. “They’ve been in progress for a while now, actually,” you explain. “I just released ‘em today. Have you heard any a’ them?”

Kankri’s always been pretty decent on hiding how he feels. You wish that wasn’t the case right now, you want to know if he’s upset that you don’t want to talk about the breakup, or your dad, or of yourself at all. Or if he’s happy you’re at least talking at all.

“I haven’t yet. Cronus wants to listen to them with me,” he says.

A small smile tugs at your lips, but you try not to seem too interested. “It’s, a new coping method, I guess?”

“I’m glad you were able to find one,” Kankri smiles sweetly at you.

“Gimme some feedback on it when you listen, if you can.” Things go by as smoothly as it can get from there.

A small part of you anticipated any messages from friends asking: “Are you okay?” When do one did, you were left a little disappointed, but most of all relieved. You’d already spilled everything out with music, you don’t want to have to explain what you already sung, and what every word means. But still, you wish someone would say something.

The compliments you get warm you up a little, but you figure that the pride swelling in you feels better than the cold you feel without the warm embrace of-

No.

Stop it. 

You told yourself to stop thinking about _him_. You _promised_ yourself to stop thinking about him. He isn’t in your life anymore and won’t be coming back, and it does you no good to dwell on it. You made a few songs about him and thousands of poems already about him. You will not think about him anymore, because you don’t need to.

You’d already poured your broken heart and lonely soul into all your work, and lost your mind in the process. You’re starting to find it. You won’t lose it again.

Oh were you so wrong. 

It’s so stupid of you to cry over two little notifications, but when he, _he_ liked your song enough to even put it under his little #jam2 tag, you lose it. You don’t think he knows it was even you, since you had abandoned everything that had his name in it and became something new. It’s so stupid, you think, that you start stalking his accounts, but you can’t help yourself. You want to know if he’s hurting just as much as you are, maybe even moreso.

But he was a private man about his emotions, only ever wanting to speak about them in the car, or in the dark. Places where he doesn't have to look at you in the eyes, but hold some sincerity in them. You think it's because he thinks that venting on a screen doesn't exactly portray enough emotion. He’s never really used the media to say anything about how he really felt other than: ‘im really fucking bored’ or ‘goddamn i hate kk so much.’

Those ended in funny conversations, while yours ended with little comments of: ‘:(‘ or ‘i’m sorry about that.’

:(

You were really feeling that right now. The tears are prickling at your eyes again, and out of a mix of anger, frustration, and despair, you block him from every one of your accounts.


	4. silence bred silence, silence bred sadness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're quiet, he's quiet, your thoughts are what's yelling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take this,,,,, i'm currently in boston and it's been a wild ass ride my man. i've only written this much? and may have more next chapter? who knows..

_“‘live, laugh, love’  
what kinda bullshit is that?  
i can’t live without laughing around my love”  
L words, march 1st, 2017  
e.a._

Sometimes you liked hanging out with Feferi. Most of the time though, her presence reminded you of Eridan, because they smelled the same (The ocean, the salty-sweet air of the seawind in your hair.), looked the same (Their beautiful wide eyes and curly, curly hair.), laughed the same (Bubbly and full of snorting and downright _awful_ but it sounds so fucking _happy_ , you don't care that it sounds bad.). You love her and all, she’s a good friend, but in your state, her chipper, bubbly mood only irritates you. 

So, no, you do not hang out with your exboyfriend's sister. 

Especially when she’s your best friend’s girlfriend. (And your own exgirlfriend.) It makes it all harder on you, because it just means you can’t really escape the past. The happy past that soon went rotten and died along with your will to be someone. She says she understands. You doubt it. You two were actually good friends while you were dating Eridan. Feferi is honestly one of the most confident people you knew. Or at least someone who faked it so well. And she’s a damn good liar too. You can’t tell if she’s actually bothered by your refusal to be around her or not. It makes you feel pretty fucking guilty. 

Feferi is honestly terrifying in that way. No one ever knows if they’ve hurt her or not and you can only wait for what she does.

Instead, there’s Karkat for you. (And the times Aradia is free but like you were with Eridan, she and Feferi were attached at the hip.) Other than the two days he and Aradia force you outside, Karkat does have time to just laze around at your place with you.

But to be honest, you can see everything he does. Not that you actually look through the contents of his phone, but because he’s trying way too hard to keep it silent. You just manage to notice at times that he’s texting someone on his phone, and the only person you know that he would be texting to, and _smiling_ down at the phone for, would be his own boyfriend.

You wonder if you did the same thing with--

 _Ugh_ , stop. He’s a ghost. He’s gone. Not in your life anymore, you shouldn’t think about him. You repeat the words in your head, a droning mantra by now. You pretend that Karkat totally didn’t notice the way you just grimaced at nothing and pretend that everything is alright.

You avoid his questioning look, keeping your eyes on the screen. Just a few minutes ago you both were laughing and yelling over a game, over shitty players. It was fun. It was loud. (It was a distraction.) Until it wasn’t. The yelling eventually died down, and then Karkat was looking at his phone and you couldn’t stop your grimace. It couldn’t even be mistaken as your character taking damage in game, because nothing happened. 

Today is awkward. Today’s silent. The two of you just play until he decides to leave, which only took half an hour more of Karkat being around.

You said your goodbyes, and now you were left with you and your own thoughts. You wish you could say that you didn't think of Eridan and his beautiful eyes and his soft skin and his silky hair, his unflatteringly adorable laugh and the way his words had a rhythm to it. Everything about him had a purpose. Everything he ever gave you was on purpose.

Unfortunately you sadly reminisce on it. On the past, and on him. He’s been pressed too far deep into your brain. Eridan Ampora was stuck in your head and you're afraid you’ll never get him out. You’ll see him in everything. From the rain to the ocean, from paint brushes to hair dye to scarves and large sweatshirts. He was out of your life, a ghost haunting your everything and you’ll never get him back. You don't even know where he is now. He entirely disappeared off of social media - though you haven't really been looking, have you? 

You’ll miss him, for sure. Perhaps today’s a day to mourn the loss of your love. With no care for anything at all, not the game playing in front of you, nor your controller, you fall limp, falling to the couch in a sad puddle. It was a mistake, your break up. Maybe the next time you see him, you could try to talk. If the hurt didn't swallow you up first.

Your brain silently admits to itself that it misses him. You? You continue to stupidly deny it. And now you're stuck in a loop of sadness.


End file.
